THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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