My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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