She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
