the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sarcasm needs its own font
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
