I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
