i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
