You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I believe in your delicious
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
