I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
