Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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