dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All the doctor said was why
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
