we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
