around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
