uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
