I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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