sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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