I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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