I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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