My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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