I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he told me I talked like a deaf person
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize