I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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