I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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