How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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