"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize