i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
