i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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