I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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