I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
