I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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