she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize