I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
