Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
