I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
