i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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