i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
