So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
