u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
