We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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