I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm passing your future prison.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can vaginas get frostbite?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
