and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
