just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
