my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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