I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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