My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
