Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize