she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Is it because I queefed?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
