How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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