I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
