Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
