under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
