between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize