her vagine was all disorganized.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
