i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
