we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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