Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
